Real Answering Machine Messages

Some days... I just need something hysterical. Today must be one of those days. These are from mil, enjoy!

Real Answering Machine Messages
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WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

I'm sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and dial again.

lorum ipsum dolor (sit amet)

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..."

I was told I REALLY needed to say SOME thing... there, I've now said some.

Ciao.

Down right dirty art....

... and NO! I'm not talking about porn!

Scott Wade is a graphic artist in Texas and has discovered a most unusal medium for his art. His car! after having driven it down his dusty road!

Gotta give the guy credit... he's a real down-to-earth kinda guy!

Link to his site (from my subject title above) to see lots more of his creations.

My favorites of course are the VanGoghs and the Vermeer... but, he has a lot of other masters and original art as well.

Enjoy!

Help me! Somebody help me!

Commercials. You either love 'em or you hate 'em.

I have a new one that I just laugh myself silly over (and have to imitate) every time I hear it! I even like it so much I learnt myself how to import it into a sound-mixer program and edit the darned thing down to just the funny part! How SICK is that?? LOL!

Oh! So you're wondering just WHICH TV advertisement I'm finding so amusing?? It's none other than the Geico commercial featuring Little Richard assisting (read that embellishing) an everyday consumer tell about her experience of having a traffic accident (on Thanksgiving Day, no less!) and the wonderful customer service she had from the insurance giant.

"WHOA! Look out! Look OUT! Help me! Somebody HELP ME! Mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce... wooooo-hooo--hoooo!"

What a HOOT!


As I was doing my search for the video- I discovered that Burt Bacherach had one, too... haven't seen that one yet (except on you-tube) and wasn't too impressed with that. The MB reviews I found on it weren't all that complimentary either. However... the Charro commercial was fairly well received, I like it, too- but, not on the scale that I like the Little Richard ditty. For the record.. the opinion seems split on the reviews about Lil' Richard, too-- but I like it! My Mama likes it! We get the giggles (pretty often) and when we REALLY get silly--- one or the other of us will spout off that phrase! It just seems the perfect exclamatory remark for so many situations!

Shopping on eBay and ya just sniped that lovely pewter plate you've been wanting? "Whoa! Mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce... wooooo-hooo-hoooo!"

Find a really great piece of kitchen equipment (like a food-scale! or something) on the Clearance aisle at Wal-Mart? "Whoa! Mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce... wooooo-hooo-hoooo!"

You trip over a new ancestor line that somebody just posted on Ancestory.com? "Whoa! Mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce... wooooo-hooo-hoooo!"

You can see just how useful this phrase can be? Oh my! I just get revved up typing it! I'm gonna have to go play my .aif file again! Good thing I've got it uploaded to iTunes... now I can intersperse it with my great rock-n-roll I've added this week!

"Whoa! Mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce... wooooo-hooo-hoooo!"

Enjoy your mashed potatoes! Oh.. and if you want my edited version.. just email me!

Code Blue is NOT a term for a good sale....

{ This is an actual account from January 2005, see STORY ORIGINS below. }

Well, you never know what kind of trouble Kim and I can get into.

We can find it when it's not even looking for us. Or, it can sneak up behind us and spook us and we'll just laugh! Which is pretty much the way it happened tonight-- but, I thot I'd give some of you a little insight when you hear the words: "Associates, Code Blue. All associates - this is Code Blue."

Kim and I went to our favorite store, you know the name... starts with a Wal and ends with a Mart. Being the week after Christmas we were sure to get some good markdowns-- and they might have put out new craft goodies in the craft section. Besides- we needed a little retail therapy-- as we'd not seen each other all week. Scrap Stuff. Scrap Organizer Stuff. Scrap Stuff that Some Knuckle-head had Hidden and We Just Uncovered Stuff. We'd been dutifully grabbing and comparing, flinging and filling our buggy for about an hour - when the announcement was made. Now, Kim- (being in the medical field) looked authoritatively at me and said "that means somebody's not breathing or the heart has stopped". So, we really didn't pay much heed. Too, we knew that it being New Year's night past 10 pm- that it probably wasn't a Blue Light Special kind of announcement. But, it really didn't mean anything significant to us.

We wandered a little further down the next aisle of Christmas mark-downs. Kim and I are savvy customers-- we've learned the best hours for shopping without having a lot of crazed consumers crowding the action alleys. We've been shopping this time of day (or night as it were) for quite a while- gathering up all kinds of bargains and over-looked treasures. Why! She'd even found an indoor basketball hoop for her son- and it wasn't even misshapen; the perfect new stand for her Christmas gift- a new scanner/printer. New (to us) beads and wire jewelry supplies that would work just GREAT on a new lay-out. We were just on the third aisle of the really good stuff-- the 75% clearance of holiday flotsam jetsam when the second broadcast was made.

This time it was a little shriller-- and stated that "Everyone needs to find the nearest exit and leave the store immediately. Associates Code Blue- to the nearest exit." We took the "Everyone" to mean us this time and began towards the checkouts. We'd not gotten past Health and Beauty Aids before we saw folks at the opposite end of the store running towards the exit. Uhhh... the two exits that were nearest us were both locked for the night and there was a law woman bearing towards us. She took one look at our overflowing basket and said "You need to leave that right there- there's a problem with the electrical wiring and when it's fixed you can come back and check out your buggy". Oh. Okay. Fine. Sounds good to me. No big-a-deal.

The closer we get to the exit- the associates are chattering amongst themselves. But, they aren't saying anything really legible and the kids in front of us are giggling and wondering if the alarms will go off if the wiring is really messed up. By this time- I've got a pretty sneaky suspicion that it's not a wiring problem and since the weather isn't really stormy- it's probably got to be a threat of some other kind. For one thing- by the time we get out the doors- there's no fire trucks around. Just the sheriffs deputy's. So, I ask casually to no one in particular- "should I move my car?" and one of the fleeing associates replies "Yes, you need to get to the very end of the parking lot". Uhh.. sure seems a little more ominous than an electrical problem to me. And, where ARE the firetrucks?? Shouldn't they be heard by now, they are only a mere five blocks away.

Well, Kim and I wound our way out of the parking lot around the pedestrians and refugeed across the street in the Dollar Tree parking lot. We tried our best to overhear what the associates were talking about- but, they are too far away. Since we're thirsty- we head over to McDonalds to get some refreshments- besides... there's a better vantage point from there! When we got to the cashier- we asked if they knew what was going on over next door and the guy just said- "Oh, yeah- they had a bomb threat." Now, we couldn't just LEAVE! We might miss something truly worth scrapping! I mean-- there's sheriff's deputies and police cars; but, still- NO FIRE TRUCKS! If I ran the zoo- I'd be sure and have them at least sitting there to put out even a hint of a whisp of smoke--I mean-- there's a lot of investment there! Kim and I together had at least 2 hours of effort poured into that one lone buggy! We waited 45 minutes before the firetrucks finally showed up. They still weren't letting any of the late night shoppers in the doors- but, did allow them to drive AROUND the barricades at the parking lot entrances. Can you say.. "Duh? WHY?"

I think it's because Kim and I had found the very BEST of the markdowns and some creep wanted it for themselves, called in the threat and is waiting til they open the doors back and is going to go and grab our loaded buggy over by register number 18. RATS. So much for our late night- blue-light specials bargain hunting. We can give you a blow-by-blow description of how the police-lady rode on the hood of the police car when they exited the building. That's what happens in small rural town when there's nothing open but the Super Center and it has a little "excitement".

Just thot you'd want to know.

Oh... and we never heard of any explosions or arrests since then. Guess everybody's A-ok. If you see somebody casing a loaded buggy with craft supplies and clearance goodies, tho-- get a license number for us. We may just have to pay 'em a visit.

{ STORY ORIGINS } This is an true and actual event that occurred on New Year's Eve Night of 2005.

{ DISCLAIMER } All persons portrayed are as real as humanly possible; no animals were hurt or damaged in the events relayed. I most sincerely do hope that it will never happen to you... and if it does- make sure and put your name and phone number on the buggy for later retrieval. Republished in the spirit of hilarity. Warranty is null and void if UPC symbol is damaged or marred. Not responsible for any injuries incurred while reading the above narrative. Comments welcome. This product expires when mold reaches a one inch thickness or it is determined that the product may have been contaminated by the presence of sludge, mildew or actual BS. In case of fire, break glass. Children should not try this at home. NOT AUTHORIZED for sale or rental outside the USA and Canada. Bonus material not rated or close-captioned. Distributed with symbol and trademarks representative of the author within the permission of The Queen, Her Royalness Katatrina of the Siamese. Images in mirror may be closer than they appear. Using an arm in the upright position may or may not indicate the intention to make a left hand turn- use blinkers when at all possible. Quantities limited. All sales final. Not intended for human consumption. A good rule of thumb is to use the index. Potable water is not available at this time- please see attendant for specific instructions. Did you leave your comments yet? Some things are better left unsaid... for all others shouting may be necessary. A legal document of authentification may be required for genuine purposes. Great balls of fire, good golly Miss Molly. If at first you don't succeed- try, try again. Crime doesn't pay. Keep off the grass. Are you still with me here? Then, please accept my apologies and have a Happy New Year. Baking soda makes an excellent cleanser for counter tops, laundry and teeth. The use of baking soda may actually increase sodium levels in certain instances. Care must be given in the event of a natural or unnatural disasters. I love you MIL. You, too- sisters and SIL2B. The provisions of this warranty give you specific legal rights and you may have other rights which vary from state to state. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Read all instructions before using device. For Household Use Only. No serviceable parts inside. Do not attempt to service this product. CAUTION: Always use feeder and pusher, keeping item gently pressed against guide. For safety and protection push ON/OFF button. Ha ha. Caught you. Would you please tell my son and my brother I love them as well? Do not allow cord to hang over edge of table or counter or touch hot surfaces. Avoid contacting moving parts. Never feed food by hand. To protect against risk of electrical shock, do not put power unit in water or other liquid. Some critics say that the way to man's heart is through his stomach-- I say it's a skoal can. Can this go on forever? NO. Just say NO. It's noon- do you know where your children are? A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what? Shake gently before each use. Store upright at 20 to 25 degree Celsius or 66 to 77 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not freeze. Protect from light. Read all instructions before use.

The week be"faux" Christmas....

... all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a souse.

The stockings, though "hole-y"
hung on the mantle with care-
two dogs sit by the hearth,
shedding all kinds of hair.

The Head Granny of all
bundled in scarf and warm quilts
waits patiently for family
to don their new kilts.

The chief cook 'n bottlewasher
ponders recipes and book
for something spectacular
to taste and to cook.

She also commands
the decorating crew
rehanging lights
both colored and blue.

Her tree though quite slim
has nutcrackers and a star
angels and birds
but no boughs on thar!

The family has high hopes
that Santa will bring
not only gifts in shiny boxes
but gifts screaming "BLING"!

Be sure and ask my dear Mama what kind of "rocks" Santa brought her this year!!

Title inspiration credits go to: Nan!
Grinch paradoy a lame tribute to Dr 'Theodore Geisel' Seuss.

There's a Bathroom on the Right...

remember that song?? No? Well- just ask KID- he will!

Found a new word! Mondegreen! Had to look that puppy up! It described precisely what we'd heard (or thought we'd heard); but, I had no idea there was a term for it!

According to answers.com:

A mondegreen (also sometimes spelt 'mondagreen') is the mishearing (usually accidental) of a phrase, such that it acquires a new meaning.

The word 'mondegreen' is itself a mondegreen of "They hae slain the Earl o' Murray and laid him on the green", from the anonymous 17th century ballad 'The Bonnie Earl O' Murray', the last five words being misheard as "Lady Mondegreen". Sylvia Wright is thought to have coined the word to describe all such mishearings. While a common occurrence for children, many adults have their own collection, particularly with regard to popular music.

There are all kinds of sites for folks that enjoy reading other folks' mondegreens and the answers to all those lyrical questions you have had over the years...

Some of my favorite ones are Christmas songs that have gone awry...

Such as.... Good King Wenceslas... and his poor servents.

Good King Wences' car backed out
On the feet of heathens
When the snow lay round about,
Deep and crisp and even.

Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring wine and gruel.

Good king wants his applesauce
At the feast this evening
When the snow lay round about,
Deep and crisp and even.


And... the very, very poor Shepherds....

While shepherds washed their socks at night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.

I love Christmas music... Ave Marie (sung by Harry Connick) is one of my favs! I'm also enjoying the new Christmas CD by the FBC. Really puts one in the spirit!